Promise 10: Exist

Desperation is not something I wear on my sleeve.
What I want is to truly be loved, not lost.
And I, having given you my few choice years
the very few that I have to give to another person,
Perhaps made a grave error in trusting myself.

My desparation is not one borne of a need to find just anyone;
It’s the fear of making a mistake and I feel you were my greatest,
But I will not pretend, not even for a minute, that what we had
or rather, what we worked towards was anything free from flaw.

I hate to feel that way towards someone
whom I’ve grown to love so dearly.
When someone who knows I exist
tries to treat me like something that does not,
It sickens me. I’m hopeless for getting so close
And offering things I can’t possibly give.
It gets to a tipping point where I want to get closer,
But I will end up hurting both of us.

But it is not time to say such things.
You had to have earned this sentiment,
As I once had to in order to earn the privilege of doing so.
I wished to learn more about you and I reserve the right
To be careful of you as you have the right to be careful of me,
but it can’t hurt to at least be kind now, isn’t that so?

If only…

I still went through with it that despite that fact.
And I gave a piece of my heart for you to do with as you please,
And though that piece could bend and waver,
and my heart was kept from harms way.
My solemn hope was that you would make my heart whole again

But that piece has never returned,
It remained with you,
Never to be seen again.

What kind of life would I lead if I just wanted
to stay in such a safe distance away from it all.
where no one truly knows anything about me

                                                no one can destroy me,
Where :                              no one can doubt me.
                                    no one can prove
                              non-existence,

I never wanted to hurt anyone and I never wanted to, but-
I never would have dreamed I would ever get this close,
that I would ever get so close to wanting to destroy it all.

 

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Promise 9: Blank

Illuminated by a blank white screen
my reflection. The void staring back at me.
I see the lines on the display, like needles.
that prick my skin, I bleed not blood, but tears.

From my eyes, I scrape the disbelief away.
My heart in blank and my few thoughts,
fraught with frustration, my mind in blank.

As vacant as the bright white screen,
Blank as the sheet I wrote this poem on,
and about as painless as the clean slice
of the paper through and in between my fingers.

One look at my hands and I feel my index finger well up
with anticipation as I pinch the sides. Nothing.
A bloody disappointment, Not even a droplet.
It’s my writing hand that steadily holds the pen.
It remains frozen in place, with nothing to say.

Blank are my thoughts as I read the lines unwritten,
that would send all my happy thoughts to ruination.
Blank as the time before and blank as it was after it happened.
As void and empty as I wish it was after it was said and done.

I wish it could have been that blank like it was before.
and I could pretend that it never happened at all. Forget.
I could carry my vacuous smile when everything was so simple.

I wish to be so blissfully ignorant,
but now I try only to think of blank
Because blank is all I want to think of you.

Promise 8: Fragile

If I make both outcomes,
Either of which are inevitable
Make both a win-win situation
Then I nullify any heartbreak.

But what is more depressing
Than love with neither hope
Nor confidence that the fire
With its fragile ego unguarded
Could ever hope to make jealous
The passion that once bubbled within?

Effervescent infatuated bumblings
That boiled over in froths and spills
That overcame wills and various chills
And I on the receiving end thought
For once I wasn’t foolish enough to think
I would ever make it this far to finding
Myself with another soul in this world.

 

Promise 7: Edge

Encompassed from zenith to horizon,
From Edge to Edge of my periphery,
The splendid memory of you and me
Like the Edge of a cliff facing an ocean.

Your voice, soothing and endearing,
Swishing, lightly whistling, and hush.
Like a gentle nudge, the wind to push
A warm breeze that tickles my hearing.

So picturesque, as if taken from my past.
I swear I’ve seen light before it turns dark .
A reminder of how much I want to disembark
Beyond a view I never thought would last.

A misstep here means an end to a memory kept.
Waves crash, spurn stone in the perilous shallows.
I watch safely from a distance the danger below,
But here I am, at the Edge, anticipating my steps.

Since I’m not certain, I maintain my foothold.
Should my memory and reality stay distinct?
and in my good sense, perhaps my instincts
wish to carefully tread along that threshold.

I wish to take the next step, but everything I fear,
In some delusion or misunderstanding, I fathom,
That if my demise awaits me there at the bottom
I’ll stoically plummet to my death and disappear.

But since I’m not sure, and completely uncertain
I don’t wish to fall over the cliff side and dive off
If the sea wasn’t willing to break my fall that day.
That cliff would stay there as we last left it, then
And etched into my memory as the ocean sloughs;
Erosion weathers rock, sediment, and sand away.
But I will remain unchanged for when you pledge
That you will wait for me when I fall over the Edge.

Promise 5&6: Quill and Pen

Promise 5: Quill

My words, mine affliction
Your judgement, my cure
But I refuse the treatment
It, alone is mine to endure
I am ill with a proclivity
Of Seeing using words
To observe around me
All that is quite absurd
Taste rhyme or reason
To hear with eager lips
With teeth and tongue,
And talkative fingertips
Quill and Pen dipped
In blood, our hands
Viscous fluid smears
Inky pages with tears

Promise 6: Pen
I write these words knowing
that you likely won’t read them.
They, kept clandestine from that
careful and critical gaze of yours.
Is it for fear of being judged
that I will never reveal this?
Perhaps, but my fear is nothing-
Between each verse reveals all.
I always have trouble,
What is it I want to write?
I struggle with finding it,
the message I want to say.
Maybe, I want to write a book
about you or I… or us both
But no one sets out to write
a book about just one thing.

Promise 4: My Love is Nothing Like a Phoenix

Can love shine brighter than a burning flame?

Through which, we see the passion up above

The ember’s easily extinguished frame

Shall never hold a candle to my love.

A spark ignites a frenzy that consumes

and smothers itself out to extinction;

I have no need for love’s ashes exhumed

The smold’ring ash, a crass immolation.

My love is not a fire that burns out,

Without a need for kindling, it thrives;

My heart, with not much fuss, it stays devout;

My loyalty for you, it still survives.

The Phoenix, my Heart never shall it mourn
Do not wish for my love to be reborn.

Promise 3: Collision

Another day passes and I feel that much closer.
What others face in distance is but time for us;
We are trapped in two worlds only minutes apart,
But those very moments bring to a grinding halt
What would otherwise be a peaceful co-existence.

Oh, Satellite that orbits thy heavenly body, align.
Shine a light that the stars may form a neat row.
What work it must be for the planets to meet!
Within touching distance of one another, and yet,
They never become quite so devastatingly close.

If two meet, then surely they must either become one,
Or worse yet, render one or the other unidentifiable,
Its course forever altered by the sheer force of proximity.
And the thought reversing such an event becomes at once,
An elliptical anomaly, and an unfathomable retrogradation.

I’m pulled with gravitational forces beyond comprehension.
Towards you, as the fateful reunion day approaches, I’m drawn.
Weather the catastrophic forces of interplanetary attraction.
Two separate worlds can no longer separate with impunity,
But we can both hope to be whole after the initial impact.