Unbespoken 3: What if we could talk for an eternity?

I struggle to smile, I should’ve known.
What was on my mind,
I find that it’s just so hard to pin it down,
Would I drown?
Whenever I try to conceal a frown?
But I guess it would be too hard to twist it now…

What if I just started over? I hesitated for a minute,
Starting out is hard, but it definitely pays to begin it.
Sometimes I pull away just to see if my heart was still in it.
I know it’s gonna hurt, but it’s not so bad to test my limits.
Feels like I lost but I knew if I tried hard that I could win it,
But that’s fantasy, right? No matter how I choose to spin it?
Wasted on the timid, the kinds word given,
I should’ve be listening, but showing your concern,
I can still see what you meant within it.

I think about how this conversation could go on forever, what if,
I could talk to you for days upon hours and hours until it
Ain’t bright outside, the sun sets over the horizon.
Getting lost in you, feels like it could be an eternity,
But when finally you turn to me,
It feels like all of the worst in me is gone for a moment.
It feels like time is slowing down,
So please accept my condolences
Your eyes are just so calming,
Wait, no, sorry was that alarming?
I just want want it to stop storming…

I’ve been like this longer than I knew what this feeling is.
But I was hoping you wouldn’t notice this;
I was hoping it wouldn’t be like this,
But when you ask what it is that I’m feeling,
Then I have to explain to you,
Because when I think about it…
I see that I’ve got no other choices.
Something inside of me hurts more than I care to admit,
It’s like if the world and everything else, to my senses,
Feels overwhelming, the light’s too bright,
Brighter than my eyes could ever bear and it’s
Hard to get up in the morning, all I can do is stare, I’d submit,
What’s the point of it all? It feels like my mind just wants to quit.

You’ll be shocked when you hear how much I wallow in my pity,
It’s the pits, remarks is pithy,
But let’s get down to the knitty gritty.
You’ll be more appalled though, it ain’t pretty
When you see how deep the pit goes.
Its darkness is even darker, blacker than any shadow
The darker it gets, the more my insides feel hollow.
I know it’s hard to try and follow,
It’s a tough pill for me to swallow,
But sometimes it’s the only way I can go to bed at night,
But oh, I’m just talking melatonin,
I think my loved ones wouldn’t condone it
If I was still popping sleep medication,
Maybe they’d fear I’d try and end it.
A lonely slumber forever, a somber somnolence,
I would never try, that’s no condolence.
It’s too soon to say goodbye,
But maybe it’s because I really am too scared die,
I just know it.

It feels like everything I do, there’s just not enough to gain.
Putting my burden on anyone else is just gonna cause more pain.
Just the thought of revealing that is like a blade right to my veins,
Bleeding until there’s nothing left, the guilt’ll make me go insane.
So that’s why I feign my true feelings, but it’s all in vain,
Because here I am now, but I knew that was your aim.
Sorry, I just I didn’t expect this, my feeling’s for you are the same.
But call me a little skeptical, are you as caring as you claim?
No, your actions aren’t what’s to blame,
I just want to take this chance to explain,
Existence is penance, a literal life sentence,
But for you I would be more than willing to make an exception,
I just want your presence.
Because all I could ever ask from you is just a bit of acceptance.

I think about how this conversation could go on forever, what if,
I could talk to you for days upon hours and hours until it
Ain’t bright outside, the sun sets over the horizon.
Getting lost in you, feels like it could be an eternity,
But when finally you turn to me,
It feels like all of the worst in me is gone for a moment.
It feels like time is slowing down,
So please accept my condolences
Your eyes are just so calming,
Wait, uh, did I come on too strong?

For once I want to feel like I’ve won,
Just to show you how far I’ve come,
Since you know where coming it’s from,
But it’s ridiculous to think that running away from everyone
Could help me escape all of my problems,
Now I know I’m not the only one to feel completely alone.

I think about how this conversation could go on forever, what if,
I could talk to you for days upon hours and hours until it
Ain’t bright outside, the sun sets over the horizon.
Getting lost in you, feels like it could be an eternity,
And that would be worth it to me…

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Unbespoken 2: Why do I miss trust?

I leave you alone for five minutes.
Look at all the shit you’ve done
Almost went and destroyed all of the hard work
Look at all the havoc you’ve brung
All the things you say about us.
You can’t even separate it from reality
It’s never as bad as it seems
But you just make it so much worse than it oughta be
That shit in your mind?
That you keep locked up?
But those remarks is gonna haunt you
The longer you’re zipped up, it’s fucked up
And as soon as it’s all that you can take
Our mind’s gonna break.
Harder than your fist against that hole in the wall
A hole in your soul and you think you gonna fill it all
Telling no one about the anger, frustration, and disappointment
I’m appalled.
That you can even think you’re even a functional person at all
If loneliness is just a payment, then the debt’s paid in full
The longer you think we’re normal’s gonna take it’s toll.
You’ve never had a good thought not followed by a premonition
It’s almost as if these invasive thoughts are your religion
You worship them, searching for the answers, your salvation
You never listen to anyone else but them,
Listening to no false witness
I always take care of business,
but the pain is too much with this
I can’t even think straight.
Stumbling like I’m drunk, sipping on depression
I still get lost in the information.
Overwhelmed in an idea infestation
Manifest mutation
Problematic proclamation
Destitute destination
Interrogatory instigation
Just praying if there’s any hope for any reconciliation
Finally at my worst, I stare at the mirror in desparation,
I ask.

…

Is all I hear, could it be more clear?
Seven years bad luck ain’t no price paid over blood and tears
The glass shatters, unable to still or steer
My inner mechanism’s continuously grinding gears,

My illusory phantasm reappears,
A solemn reminder for when it gets severe.
A living nightmare, that I’m holding dear,
Burns and sears in my flooding fears,

I desperately want to persevere,
And I’m being sincere,
But in trying to interfere,
I just end up choking myself
In my own atmosphere,
Until there’s nothing left of me;

I disappear.

The silence echoes far beyond my ears
And now nobody else can hear.

…

Why do I gotta be like this? My mind goes to the worst
Sure I’ve been hurt before, this ain’t the first
But If I can’t trust anyone, then why bother
Trying to convince my mind to try another
Getting close is gonna painful for me
It’s getting to be too much for an old disdainful me
It ain’t because they do anything to make me distrust them
It’s because of my predilection towards mistrust, I misjudge them
I’ve mistrusted this trust, I’ve missed trusting this trust
I’ve been too unjust, I’ve always too cautious
And I’m afraid it’s gonna hurt you that I’m so untrusting
But I wanna give you a chance, I’m adjusting
I wanna believe you’re the one I’m entrusting
You with a piece of my mind, just a piece, so you know
That it goes a long way for me to even begin to show
My side that just wants to be careful of you
As you should be, but at least this side is true
You’ll never see this side of me do
Anything dishonest or anything to hurt you

Unbespoken 1: Where do I belong?

If I do nothing, then I’m gonna disappear right?
So there’s nothing else left for me to do for me but fight.
All of my own battles, each and every one
An eternal struggle to overcome my own pain.
It feels unbearable, but I gotta bear it.
Because I don’t believe in sunk costs,
And I wanna believe that I got someone that cares
When it hurts I know, but I gotta keep moving.
It’s just that… staring at the ceiling right now
Just seems so much more appealing.

When it hits hard, I gotta remember,
I have everyone I know on earth
To tie me down before I go to heaven.
I wanna leave my thoughts that I did everything I could
About how hard I fought for how much I believe in them.
They know me well, they showed me their kindness,
That’s all I ever wanted to have in this storm of loneliness.

I never wanted this, but…
My mind is in a mist of my own doubt,
So get me out, I’m crying for a savior
When I think I got only one way out,
But if you think I’m gonna spell the end of my misery
Then you can forget about the dictionary.
Because I don’t need it to define
What it means for me to feel alive
For when I try to explain all this pain,
All the words I know fail to describe
All the feelings that lie underneath all the goodbyes
And I feign that I’m alright even though the tears remain
I claim to be the same as I ever was.

The truth is… my mind was always this way,
But I ain’t afraid of my devil
I’m more afraid that I’ll lose control
When I finally lose my mettle.
I’m trying to fend against my fate,
And try to dispose of this toxic cycle,
So I’ll be fiddling against my demons,
Gambling my way to Eden,
And I wager my soul on this paper
That I’m gonna come on top with a whole new tome,
This introspective poem is going to explain
That I’m gonna be able to go back home
Because if I do nothing, then I’ll disappear right?
So, that’s all the more reason for me to try and find the light.
I don’t want anyone to miss me while I’m gone
So it won’t be long before I get back to where I belong.