Unbespoken 3: What if we could talk for an eternity?

I struggle to smile, I should’ve known.
What was on my mind,
I find that it’s just so hard to pin it down,
Would I drown?
Whenever I try to conceal a frown?
But I guess it would be too hard to twist it now…

What if I just started over? I hesitated for a minute,
Starting out is hard, but it definitely pays to begin it.
Sometimes I pull away just to see if my heart was still in it.
I know it’s gonna hurt, but it’s not so bad to test my limits.
Feels like I lost but I knew if I tried hard that I could win it,
But that’s fantasy, right? No matter how I choose to spin it?
Wasted on the timid, the kinds word given,
I should’ve be listening, but showing your concern,
I can still see what you meant within it.

I think about how this conversation could go on forever, what if,
I could talk to you for days upon hours and hours until it
Ain’t bright outside, the sun sets over the horizon.
Getting lost in you, feels like it could be an eternity,
But when finally you turn to me,
It feels like all of the worst in me is gone for a moment.
It feels like time is slowing down,
So please accept my condolences
Your eyes are just so calming,
Wait, no, sorry was that alarming?
I just want want it to stop storming…

I’ve been like this longer than I knew what this feeling is.
But I was hoping you wouldn’t notice this;
I was hoping it wouldn’t be like this,
But when you ask what it is that I’m feeling,
Then I have to explain to you,
Because when I think about it…
I see that I’ve got no other choices.
Something inside of me hurts more than I care to admit,
It’s like if the world and everything else, to my senses,
Feels overwhelming, the light’s too bright,
Brighter than my eyes could ever bear and it’s
Hard to get up in the morning, all I can do is stare, I’d submit,
What’s the point of it all? It feels like my mind just wants to quit.

You’ll be shocked when you hear how much I wallow in my pity,
It’s the pits, remarks is pithy,
But let’s get down to the knitty gritty.
You’ll be more appalled though, it ain’t pretty
When you see how deep the pit goes.
Its darkness is even darker, blacker than any shadow
The darker it gets, the more my insides feel hollow.
I know it’s hard to try and follow,
It’s a tough pill for me to swallow,
But sometimes it’s the only way I can go to bed at night,
But oh, I’m just talking melatonin,
I think my loved ones wouldn’t condone it
If I was still popping sleep medication,
Maybe they’d fear I’d try and end it.
A lonely slumber forever, a somber somnolence,
I would never try, that’s no condolence.
It’s too soon to say goodbye,
But maybe it’s because I really am too scared die,
I just know it.

It feels like everything I do, there’s just not enough to gain.
Putting my burden on anyone else is just gonna cause more pain.
Just the thought of revealing that is like a blade right to my veins,
Bleeding until there’s nothing left, the guilt’ll make me go insane.
So that’s why I feign my true feelings, but it’s all in vain,
Because here I am now, but I knew that was your aim.
Sorry, I just I didn’t expect this, my feeling’s for you are the same.
But call me a little skeptical, are you as caring as you claim?
No, your actions aren’t what’s to blame,
I just want to take this chance to explain,
Existence is penance, a literal life sentence,
But for you I would be more than willing to make an exception,
I just want your presence.
Because all I could ever ask from you is just a bit of acceptance.

I think about how this conversation could go on forever, what if,
I could talk to you for days upon hours and hours until it
Ain’t bright outside, the sun sets over the horizon.
Getting lost in you, feels like it could be an eternity,
But when finally you turn to me,
It feels like all of the worst in me is gone for a moment.
It feels like time is slowing down,
So please accept my condolences
Your eyes are just so calming,
Wait, uh, did I come on too strong?

For once I want to feel like I’ve won,
Just to show you how far I’ve come,
Since you know where coming it’s from,
But it’s ridiculous to think that running away from everyone
Could help me escape all of my problems,
Now I know I’m not the only one to feel completely alone.

I think about how this conversation could go on forever, what if,
I could talk to you for days upon hours and hours until it
Ain’t bright outside, the sun sets over the horizon.
Getting lost in you, feels like it could be an eternity,
And that would be worth it to me…

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Anaesthetic 6: The Curse of Her Doppelgänger Sorrows.

She sees you everywhere she goes.

Every single part of life that she knows,

Deeply entangled in proof of your existence.

Your doubles haunt her, their very resemblance,

Even in a perfect stranger’s passing semblance,

Sends pangs of regret through to her stomach.

The engagement ring you both hand picked

Underneath the tree at a summer picnic;

The park’s memory inescapably tormenting.

You cannot stop her incessant remembering

Or ease her fears, for her body trembling

is the only response she has to her haunter.

So my dear Ex-spectre,

Do you really expect her

To simply move on so fast?

When she found out she wasn’t the last

And how much you lied about the past,

“How could she ever recover?” I ask…

When in the light she wants to bask,

but wears her heartbreak, an eternal mask,

To hide her grief, disappointment, and shame.

But who else is there for her to blame

When everything reminds her all the same?

“That’s just the curse of her doppelgänger sorrows.”

 

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Photo by Kayla

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Promise 9: Exist

Desperation is not something I wear on my sleeve.

What I want is to truly be loved, not lost.

And I, having given you my few choice years

the very few that I have to give to another person,

Perhaps made a grave error in trusting myself.

My desparation is not one borne of a need to find just anyone;

It’s the fear of making a mistake and I feel you were my greatest,

But I will not pretend, not even for a minute, that what we had

or rather, what we worked towards was anything free from flaw.

I hate to feel that way towards someone

whom I’ve grown to love so dearly.

When someone who knows I exist

tries to treat me like something that does not,

It sickens me. I’m hopeless for getting so close

And offering things I can’t possibly give.

It gets to a tipping point where I want to get closer,

But I will end up hurting both of us.

But it is not time to say such things.

You had to have earned this sentiment,

As I once had to in order to earn the privilege of doing so.

I wished to learn more about you and I reserve the right

To be careful of you as you have the right to be careful of me,

but it can’t hurt to at least be kind now, isn’t that so?

If only…

I still went through with it that despite that fact.

And I gave a piece of my heart for you to do with as you please,

And though that piece could bend and waver,

and my heart was kept from harms way.

My solemn hope was that you would make my heart whole again

But that piece has never returned,

It remained with you,

Never to be seen again.

What kind of life would I lead if I just wanted

to stay in such a safe distance away from it all.

where no one truly knows anything about me

                                                no one can destroy me,

Where :                              no one can doubt me.

                                    no one can prove

                              non-existence,

I never wanted to hurt anyone and I never wanted to, but-

I never would have dreamed I would ever get this close,

that I would ever get so close to wanting to destroy it all.