Unbespoken 3: What if we could talk for an eternity?

I struggle to smile, I should’ve known.
What was on my mind,
I find that it’s just so hard to pin it down,
Would I drown?
Whenever I try to conceal a frown?
But I guess it would be too hard to twist it now…

What if I just started over? I hesitated for a minute,
Starting out is hard, but it definitely pays to begin it.
Sometimes I pull away just to see if my heart was still in it.
I know it’s gonna hurt, but it’s not so bad to test my limits.
Feels like I lost but I knew if I tried hard that I could win it,
But that’s fantasy, right? No matter how I choose to spin it?
Wasted on the timid, the kinds word given,
I should’ve be listening, but showing your concern,
I can still see what you meant within it.

I think about how this conversation could go on forever, what if,
I could talk to you for days upon hours and hours until it
Ain’t bright outside, the sun sets over the horizon.
Getting lost in you, feels like it could be an eternity,
But when finally you turn to me,
It feels like all of the worst in me is gone for a moment.
It feels like time is slowing down,
So please accept my condolences
Your eyes are just so calming,
Wait, no, sorry was that alarming?
I just want want it to stop storming…

I’ve been like this longer than I knew what this feeling is.
But I was hoping you wouldn’t notice this;
I was hoping it wouldn’t be like this,
But when you ask what it is that I’m feeling,
Then I have to explain to you,
Because when I think about it…
I see that I’ve got no other choices.
Something inside of me hurts more than I care to admit,
It’s like if the world and everything else, to my senses,
Feels overwhelming, the light’s too bright,
Brighter than my eyes could ever bear and it’s
Hard to get up in the morning, all I can do is stare, I’d submit,
What’s the point of it all? It feels like my mind just wants to quit.

You’ll be shocked when you hear how much I wallow in my pity,
It’s the pits, remarks is pithy,
But let’s get down to the knitty gritty.
You’ll be more appalled though, it ain’t pretty
When you see how deep the pit goes.
Its darkness is even darker, blacker than any shadow
The darker it gets, the more my insides feel hollow.
I know it’s hard to try and follow,
It’s a tough pill for me to swallow,
But sometimes it’s the only way I can go to bed at night,
But oh, I’m just talking melatonin,
I think my loved ones wouldn’t condone it
If I was still popping sleep medication,
Maybe they’d fear I’d try and end it.
A lonely slumber forever, a somber somnolence,
I would never try, that’s no condolence.
It’s too soon to say goodbye,
But maybe it’s because I really am too scared die,
I just know it.

It feels like everything I do, there’s just not enough to gain.
Putting my burden on anyone else is just gonna cause more pain.
Just the thought of revealing that is like a blade right to my veins,
Bleeding until there’s nothing left, the guilt’ll make me go insane.
So that’s why I feign my true feelings, but it’s all in vain,
Because here I am now, but I knew that was your aim.
Sorry, I just I didn’t expect this, my feeling’s for you are the same.
But call me a little skeptical, are you as caring as you claim?
No, your actions aren’t what’s to blame,
I just want to take this chance to explain,
Existence is penance, a literal life sentence,
But for you I would be more than willing to make an exception,
I just want your presence.
Because all I could ever ask from you is just a bit of acceptance.

I think about how this conversation could go on forever, what if,
I could talk to you for days upon hours and hours until it
Ain’t bright outside, the sun sets over the horizon.
Getting lost in you, feels like it could be an eternity,
But when finally you turn to me,
It feels like all of the worst in me is gone for a moment.
It feels like time is slowing down,
So please accept my condolences
Your eyes are just so calming,
Wait, uh, did I come on too strong?

For once I want to feel like I’ve won,
Just to show you how far I’ve come,
Since you know where coming it’s from,
But it’s ridiculous to think that running away from everyone
Could help me escape all of my problems,
Now I know I’m not the only one to feel completely alone.

I think about how this conversation could go on forever, what if,
I could talk to you for days upon hours and hours until it
Ain’t bright outside, the sun sets over the horizon.
Getting lost in you, feels like it could be an eternity,
And that would be worth it to me…

Advertisements

Promise 8: Blank

Illuminated by a blank white screen
my reflection. The void staring back at me.
I see the lines on the display, like needles.
that prick my skin, I bleed not blood, but tears.

From my eyes, I scrape the disbelief away.
My heart in blank and my few thoughts,
fraught with frustration, my mind in blank.

As vacant as the bright white screen,
Blank as the sheet I wrote this poem on,
and about as painless as the clean slice
of the paper through and in between my fingers.

One look at my hands and I feel my index finger well up
with anticipation as I pinch the sides. Nothing.
A bloody disappointment, Not even a droplet.
It’s my writing hand that steadily holds the pen.
It remains frozen in place, with nothing to say.

Blank are my thoughts as I read the lines unwritten,
that would send all my happy thoughts to ruination.
Blank as the time before and blank as it was after it happened.
As void and empty as I wish it was after it was said and done.

I wish it could have been that blank like it was before.
and I could pretend that it never happened at all. Forget.
I could carry my vacuous smile when everything was so simple.

I wish to be so blissfully ignorant,
but now I try only to think of blank
Because blank is all I want to think of you.

Anaesthetic 1: Red Lipstick

7/31/17 11:34 PM


Put on some lipstick,
The kind that real women pick.
Now take it off, it makes me sick.
It has to be red. Nothing else.
What’s that on your face?
Have I told you what I think?
You’re more beautiful without make-up
but your lipstick, should be red.
Don’t ever look down, Don’t frown
You should always have your chin held high.
Why? You’re not allowed to be sad because you should smile
and those smiling lips of yours have to be red.
That dress of yours is quite revealing,
You really should wear a shirt over it.
I don’t want them to look at you like that.
But open up the front a bit to show off your chest;
I don’t want you to attract too much attention
and I don’t want them looking at your red lips.
8/1/17 5:52 PM

I put on black lipstick when you tell me when I should wear red.
And the next time I wear red for you, my lips will drip red.
Red from the lipstick and red from the spit blood splatter,
Bit and bled, solemnly read from my bleeding red lips.

Promise 7: Fragile

If I make both outcomes,
Either of which are inevitable
Make both a win-win situation
Then I nullify any heartbreak.

But what is more depressing
Than love with neither hope
Nor confidence that the fire
With its fragile ego unguarded
Could ever hope to make jealous
The passion that once bubbled within?

Effervescent infatuated bumblings
That boiled over in froths and spills
That overcame wills and various chills
And I on the receiving end thought
For once I wasn’t foolish enough to think
I would ever make it this far to finding
Myself with another soul in this world.

 

Promise 4: My Love is Nothing Like a Phoenix

Can love shine brighter than a burning flame?

Through which, we see the passion up above

The ember’s easily extinguished frame

Shall never hold a candle to my love.

A spark ignites a frenzy that consumes

and smothers itself out to extinction;

I have no need for love’s ashes exhumed

The smold’ring ash, a crass immolation.

My love is not a fire that burns out,

Without a need for kindling, it thrives;

My heart, with not much fuss, it stays devout;

My loyalty for you, it still survives.

The Phoenix, my Heart never shall it mourn
Do not wish for my love to be reborn.