Tenderly 1: Your Seat

Tea, cake, laughs.
Everyday we spend in glee
That’s all it really takes
To decompress from math.

“See? Take a photograph!”
This is how much fun it can be,
When we’re here to play.
The memories we can make
In just a year and a half!

“Look, hey! Someone new!”
“Have you read this book?”
“Tell me about your day!”
“It sounds like lots of fun,
I’m sure you had much to do.”

Took away one or two…
Chairs, “I guess she’s off the hook,
I really shouldn’t be afraid…”
“I know tomorrow she’ll come
It’ll be just like before!”
“I hope so too!”

“Just wow, really? No kidding!”
“You have to tell me, you must!”
“Yes really, I’ll show you now!”

“No need to worry”
“Oh?”
“She’s visiting the city.”

Is there something I’m forgetting?
When I see all of us come and go
It just feels like such a pity
I can no longer see how
It used to be with just us.
“Oh wow, really? No kidding…”

And I wouldn’t have had a clue,
(It’s too hard to ignore),
That I would miss you a ton.
When you went on your way,
Something inside of me shook.
“How many more? One or two?”
“Hey, look! Someone new!”

In that year and a half,
It takes all that I have:
The memories we used to make,
The laughter, tea, and cake,
To remind me how fun it can be,
Whenever your seat was empty.

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Unbespoken 3: What if we could talk for an eternity?

I struggle to smile, I should’ve known.
What was on my mind,
I find that it’s just so hard to pin it down,
Would I drown?
Whenever I try to conceal a frown?
But I guess it would be too hard to twist it now…

What if I just started over? I hesitated for a minute,
Starting out is hard, but it definitely pays to begin it.
Sometimes I pull away just to see if my heart was still in it.
I know it’s gonna hurt, but it’s not so bad to test my limits.
Feels like I lost but I knew if I tried hard that I could win it,
But that’s fantasy, right? No matter how I choose to spin it?
Wasted on the timid, the kinds word given,
I should’ve be listening, but showing your concern,
I can still see what you meant within it.

I think about how this conversation could go on forever, what if,
I could talk to you for days upon hours and hours until it
Ain’t bright outside, the sun sets over the horizon.
Getting lost in you, feels like it could be an eternity,
But when finally you turn to me,
It feels like all of the worst in me is gone for a moment.
It feels like time is slowing down,
So please accept my condolences
Your eyes are just so calming,
Wait, no, sorry was that alarming?
I just want want it to stop storming…

I’ve been like this longer than I knew what this feeling is.
But I was hoping you wouldn’t notice this;
I was hoping it wouldn’t be like this,
But when you ask what it is that I’m feeling,
Then I have to explain to you,
Because when I think about it…
I see that I’ve got no other choices.
Something inside of me hurts more than I care to admit,
It’s like if the world and everything else, to my senses,
Feels overwhelming, the light’s too bright,
Brighter than my eyes could ever bear and it’s
Hard to get up in the morning, all I can do is stare, I’d submit,
What’s the point of it all? It feels like my mind just wants to quit.

You’ll be shocked when you hear how much I wallow in my pity,
It’s the pits, remarks is pithy,
But let’s get down to the knitty gritty.
You’ll be more appalled though, it ain’t pretty
When you see how deep the pit goes.
Its darkness is even darker, blacker than any shadow
The darker it gets, the more my insides feel hollow.
I know it’s hard to try and follow,
It’s a tough pill for me to swallow,
But sometimes it’s the only way I can go to bed at night,
But oh, I’m just talking melatonin,
I think my loved ones wouldn’t condone it
If I was still popping sleep medication,
Maybe they’d fear I’d try and end it.
A lonely slumber forever, a somber somnolence,
I would never try, that’s no condolence.
It’s too soon to say goodbye,
But maybe it’s because I really am too scared die,
I just know it.

It feels like everything I do, there’s just not enough to gain.
Putting my burden on anyone else is just gonna cause more pain.
Just the thought of revealing that is like a blade right to my veins,
Bleeding until there’s nothing left, the guilt’ll make me go insane.
So that’s why I feign my true feelings, but it’s all in vain,
Because here I am now, but I knew that was your aim.
Sorry, I just I didn’t expect this, my feeling’s for you are the same.
But call me a little skeptical, are you as caring as you claim?
No, your actions aren’t what’s to blame,
I just want to take this chance to explain,
Existence is penance, a literal life sentence,
But for you I would be more than willing to make an exception,
I just want your presence.
Because all I could ever ask from you is just a bit of acceptance.

I think about how this conversation could go on forever, what if,
I could talk to you for days upon hours and hours until it
Ain’t bright outside, the sun sets over the horizon.
Getting lost in you, feels like it could be an eternity,
But when finally you turn to me,
It feels like all of the worst in me is gone for a moment.
It feels like time is slowing down,
So please accept my condolences
Your eyes are just so calming,
Wait, uh, did I come on too strong?

For once I want to feel like I’ve won,
Just to show you how far I’ve come,
Since you know where coming it’s from,
But it’s ridiculous to think that running away from everyone
Could help me escape all of my problems,
Now I know I’m not the only one to feel completely alone.

I think about how this conversation could go on forever, what if,
I could talk to you for days upon hours and hours until it
Ain’t bright outside, the sun sets over the horizon.
Getting lost in you, feels like it could be an eternity,
And that would be worth it to me…

Unbespoken 2: Why do I miss trust?

I leave you alone for five minutes.
Look at all the shit you’ve done
Almost went and destroyed all of the hard work
Look at all the havoc you’ve brung
All the things you say about us.
You can’t even separate it from reality
It’s never as bad as it seems
But you just make it so much worse than it oughta be
That shit in your mind?
That you keep locked up?
But those remarks is gonna haunt you
The longer you’re zipped up, it’s fucked up
And as soon as it’s all that you can take
Our mind’s gonna break.
Harder than your fist against that hole in the wall
A hole in your soul and you think you gonna fill it all
Telling no one about the anger, frustration, and disappointment
I’m appalled.
That you can even think you’re even a functional person at all
If loneliness is just a payment, then the debt’s paid in full
The longer you think we’re normal’s gonna take it’s toll.
You’ve never had a good thought not followed by a premonition
It’s almost as if these invasive thoughts are your religion
You worship them, searching for the answers, your salvation
You never listen to anyone else but them,
Listening to no false witness
I always take care of business,
but the pain is too much with this
I can’t even think straight.
Stumbling like I’m drunk, sipping on depression
I still get lost in the information.
Overwhelmed in an idea infestation
Manifest mutation
Problematic proclamation
Destitute destination
Interrogatory instigation
Just praying if there’s any hope for any reconciliation
Finally at my worst, I stare at the mirror in desparation,
I ask.

Is all I hear, could it be more clear?
Seven years bad luck ain’t no price paid over blood and tears
The glass shatters, unable to still or steer
My inner mechanism’s continuously grinding gears,

My illusory phantasm reappears,
A solemn reminder for when it gets severe.
A living nightmare, that I’m holding dear,
Burns and sears in my flooding fears,

I desperately want to persevere,
And I’m being sincere,
But in trying to interfere,
I just end up choking myself
In my own atmosphere,
Until there’s nothing left of me;

I disappear.

The silence echoes far beyond my ears
And now nobody else can hear.

Why do I gotta be like this? My mind goes to the worst
Sure I’ve been hurt before, this ain’t the first
But If I can’t trust anyone, then why bother
Trying to convince my mind to try another
Getting close is gonna painful for me
It’s getting to be too much for an old disdainful me
It ain’t because they do anything to make me distrust them
It’s because of my predilection towards mistrust, I misjudge them
I’ve mistrusted this trust, I’ve missed trusting this trust
I’ve been too unjust, I’ve always too cautious
And I’m afraid it’s gonna hurt you that I’m so untrusting
But I wanna give you a chance, I’m adjusting
I wanna believe you’re the one I’m entrusting
You with a piece of my mind, just a piece, so you know
That it goes a long way for me to even begin to show
My side that just wants to be careful of you
As you should be, but at least this side is true
You’ll never see this side of me do
Anything dishonest or anything to hurt you

Anaesthetic 12: Undelivered Love Letter

Dear love, -the words I write cannot pen your significance to me.
My thoughts are incomprehensible to describe your inner beauty.
And so my every thought of you I’ve attempted to compile,
In this letter, is my failure to express anything worthwhile.

When I look at your face, oh where do I begin?
Just the thought of your smile and wide grin,
Brings my belly butterflies beating their beautiful span,
Floating petal to petal, eight in total, again and again.
Your strong hands I held that revealed a ragged love past,
Hand in hand, working towards making this modest love last.
Offering each other simplicity was all I could ever ask for,
And a soul to talk to at night when stranded in a downpour.
Looking longingly at the moon, I wondered my little game.
If the mysterious moonlit sky for you and I was the same.
And when the sun shines through the fog in the hazy dawn,
You wanted to ask me to brave the fog on your front lawn.
Oh how I wanted to be there arm in arm in the early morning
And wander aimlessly without any direction, without caring.
How happy we were, it seemed to go on without end,
I thought I had truly found love, and my greatest friend.

With love… 

The list we made of all the things we wanted to do together
Will likely remain a memory in this little letter forever, however.

If you had just left me to wonder, would I still be the same?
Would my mess of a life be nearly as messy if you never came?
The only way we realize our own loneliness
Is to have it in stark contrast with its antithesis
Staying locked away hours writing the words I write
Waxing reflexive on this page all day and all night
I think it is finally time to end what I held so dear
So I can finally vanquish the very thing that I fear
But now in the present I can finally thank you so much
For what have I learned since we’ve last touched:

I thought I wanted my heart ripped out,
torn to shreds, bled red in my death bed.
What need was there for it after all this?
The fear of being the only one able to hurt you,
was the same fear of you wounding me grievously,
And yet I feel completely deserving of that pain.
I thought I would rather the blow be dealt swiftly,
Lest my heart be able to love again.
It would be better than the cold bitterness I felt thusly,
It once was a dull and pulsating pain,
An aching anxiety that never once could leave me.
The fear of losing you was the only thing that mattered.
Hopeless, helpless, useless: How futile they are
in describing this despair of my loss.
But my true loss wasn’t the loss of you
It was the missed opportunity to change someone’s life.
My true despair I fear is that strange feeling.
So rid me of your memory, for my mind was rushing
with the regret I’ve carried since we last spoke.
I was helpless to help ease our doubts about us,
Useless to sate your needs, appease your anger,
and worst of all, hopeless to ease your sorrows.
It left me feeling unable to be a person again,
when you left me in my misery, in silence.

So I ask you, without you, would I be off better:
With love, or without this undelivered love letter?

Anaesthetic 10: Only Eight Petals

He loves me…

A picture of us under that tree that warm summer day
The smell of dewy leaves and shady earth.
What’s a love that’s faded before it’s come to saturation?
A photo that’s discarded before developing is proof that –

He loves me not?

That which wilts before it blossoms, the eight petals I pluck,
Silenced before the first whisper – the first utterance of love.
Surrounded by curious daisies that seem to sway back and forth
To the rhythm of our heartbeats, I remember it all too well,

Back then, he loves me!

I agonized over that precious gift I gave to you,
The meticulously selected locket of sterling silver,
But it was tarnished before it was even worn,
Seeing it collect dust, I could have sworn that-

He loves me not!

Burned before the initial ignition,
At the mercy of a hasty decision,
Sabotaged before anything was even planned.
It was almost as if you wanted it to end before we started.
 
How could I even think, – “He loves me?”

Excused before I was even accused of any of the worst
Like damage control, and I was some unintended casualty.
Can we truly break up without being together?
But could we be together without you truly broken up?

He loves me not…

How busy we both were when it was hard for us to meet,
Had nothing to do with your inability to love specifically me.
We talked about that woman you used to know.
You said she didn’t matter, but she clearly did,

And yet, – he loves me?

How your friends and family wouldn’t accept the way it was.
It’s awfully convenient how none of those reasons involve you.
Knowing that you couldn’t love me given the circumstances,
Why didn’t you just answer before there was even a question?

“He loves me not…”

Anaesthetic 8: Love is Like a Rag

You treat my love like a rag.
Tossed to the side, your hands dried of me.
In the dimly lit corner of your memory,
I waste away. The odor of stagnant air
With mildew is how you remember.

There’s only so much I can absorb
Before my patience runs thin.
You may think you can use me again,
But these delicate fibers have become worn
Distressed to the point of being torn.

Perhaps it’s the thought of discarding someone
That gives that soured look of disgust of yours,
And yet you have the nerve to dispose of those
Wretched feelings and pretend to be ignorant.
Why should you have to sully your hands
With the rubbish from when you didn’t give a damn?

My happiness is wrung dry and yet sopping wet,
Overflowing with sorrow, I hope to borrow
That trait of yours where you toss into the bin
Any sense of accountability and even then,
It is a hopeless endeavor to polish the past
With a ragged love that was never meant to last.

Anaesthetic 7: Converse-Interrogation 

If my life was as easy as a questionnaire, 
I wouldn’t be spending my time looking for the answers. 
Would it not be too simple being spoonfed these answers?
Now, if I were to simply give all my the answers away,
Then there’s no fun or challenge, right?
But sometimes I don’t even know what questions to ask myself.
So what makes you think I’ll have an answer to anything you say?
Who honestly wants to be interrogated?
Then, as soon as I give you an answer,
You instantly have an opinion on what I said.
Why must you challenge any of my answers?
You’re the one who asked!
Honestly, please let my answers lie. 
Because if it’s truth you’re looking for, 
Then I can’t be the only one putting thought into the conversation.
Lest you might somehow overthink what I say.
Why do I answer at all, what do you have to gain?
Here I am asking questions, when all you wanted was to learn, 
and I just wanted to be taken at face value some of the time, 
but I’m being constantly derided for answering the way I do. 
And if you wanted me to just shut up-

Fine, but think about this for a moment.
I answer these questions because you’re so curious,
But you can’t even answer mine!
Now, that doesn’t seem fair.
Is it really a conversation if only one side asks the questions?
Come now… 
And listen close to all the answers you didn’t want to hear:

I was not put on the earth to smile for you.
I am not your puppet, nor your doll.
I don’t want your hands on me.
I have no shame and much less left for you.
Don’t use the illness of your head to imprison me
I will not be a hostage, a prisoner to your will.
Don’t tell me I was the best you’ve ever had,
It’s obvious I was, but I was the one smart enough
To escape the hopeless situation I was in. 
There will be nothing calm about my talk
When the pain in my calves I wish was cut in half.
Chalk it up to bad timing for my walk,
My legs balk at the thought of taking anymore steps,
But I would gladly do so in order to walk out of this
Converse-interrogation.