Unbespoken 3: What if we could talk for an eternity?

I struggle to smile, I should’ve known.
What was on my mind,
I find that it’s just so hard to pin it down,
Would I drown?
Whenever I try to conceal a frown?
But I guess it would be too hard to twist it now…

What if I just started over? I hesitated for a minute,
Starting out is hard, but it definitely pays to begin it.
Sometimes I pull away just to see if my heart was still in it.
I know it’s gonna hurt, but it’s not so bad to test my limits.
Feels like I lost but I knew if I tried hard that I could win it,
But that’s fantasy, right? No matter how I choose to spin it?
Wasted on the timid, the kinds word given,
I should’ve be listening, but showing your concern,
I can still see what you meant within it.

I think about how this conversation could go on forever, what if,
I could talk to you for days upon hours and hours until it
Ain’t bright outside, the sun sets over the horizon.
Getting lost in you, feels like it could be an eternity,
But when finally you turn to me,
It feels like all of the worst in me is gone for a moment.
It feels like time is slowing down,
So please accept my condolences
Your eyes are just so calming,
Wait, no, sorry was that alarming?
I just want want it to stop storming…

I’ve been like this longer than I knew what this feeling is.
But I was hoping you wouldn’t notice this;
I was hoping it wouldn’t be like this,
But when you ask what it is that I’m feeling,
Then I have to explain to you,
Because when I think about it…
I see that I’ve got no other choices.
Something inside of me hurts more than I care to admit,
It’s like if the world and everything else, to my senses,
Feels overwhelming, the light’s too bright,
Brighter than my eyes could ever bear and it’s
Hard to get up in the morning, all I can do is stare, I’d submit,
What’s the point of it all? It feels like my mind just wants to quit.

You’ll be shocked when you hear how much I wallow in my pity,
It’s the pits, remarks is pithy,
But let’s get down to the knitty gritty.
You’ll be more appalled though, it ain’t pretty
When you see how deep the pit goes.
Its darkness is even darker, blacker than any shadow
The darker it gets, the more my insides feel hollow.
I know it’s hard to try and follow,
It’s a tough pill for me to swallow,
But sometimes it’s the only way I can go to bed at night,
But oh, I’m just talking melatonin,
I think my loved ones wouldn’t condone it
If I was still popping sleep medication,
Maybe they’d fear I’d try and end it.
A lonely slumber forever, a somber somnolence,
I would never try, that’s no condolence.
It’s too soon to say goodbye,
But maybe it’s because I really am too scared die,
I just know it.

It feels like everything I do, there’s just not enough to gain.
Putting my burden on anyone else is just gonna cause more pain.
Just the thought of revealing that is like a blade right to my veins,
Bleeding until there’s nothing left, the guilt’ll make me go insane.
So that’s why I feign my true feelings, but it’s all in vain,
Because here I am now, but I knew that was your aim.
Sorry, I just I didn’t expect this, my feeling’s for you are the same.
But call me a little skeptical, are you as caring as you claim?
No, your actions aren’t what’s to blame,
I just want to take this chance to explain,
Existence is penance, a literal life sentence,
But for you I would be more than willing to make an exception,
I just want your presence.
Because all I could ever ask from you is just a bit of acceptance.

I think about how this conversation could go on forever, what if,
I could talk to you for days upon hours and hours until it
Ain’t bright outside, the sun sets over the horizon.
Getting lost in you, feels like it could be an eternity,
But when finally you turn to me,
It feels like all of the worst in me is gone for a moment.
It feels like time is slowing down,
So please accept my condolences
Your eyes are just so calming,
Wait, uh, did I come on too strong?

For once I want to feel like I’ve won,
Just to show you how far I’ve come,
Since you know where coming it’s from,
But it’s ridiculous to think that running away from everyone
Could help me escape all of my problems,
Now I know I’m not the only one to feel completely alone.

I think about how this conversation could go on forever, what if,
I could talk to you for days upon hours and hours until it
Ain’t bright outside, the sun sets over the horizon.
Getting lost in you, feels like it could be an eternity,
And that would be worth it to me…

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Anaesthetic 7: Converse-Interrogation 

If my life was as easy as a questionnaire, 
I wouldn’t be spending my time looking for the answers. 
Would it not be too simple being spoonfed these answers?
Now, if I were to simply give all my the answers away,
Then there’s no fun or challenge, right?
But sometimes I don’t even know what questions to ask myself.
So what makes you think I’ll have an answer to anything you say?
Who honestly wants to be interrogated?
Then, as soon as I give you an answer,
You instantly have an opinion on what I said.
Why must you challenge any of my answers?
You’re the one who asked!
Honestly, please let my answers lie. 
Because if it’s truth you’re looking for, 
Then I can’t be the only one putting thought into the conversation.
Lest you might somehow overthink what I say.
Why do I answer at all, what do you have to gain?
Here I am asking questions, when all you wanted was to learn, 
and I just wanted to be taken at face value some of the time, 
but I’m being constantly derided for answering the way I do. 
And if you wanted me to just shut up-

Fine, but think about this for a moment.
I answer these questions because you’re so curious,
But you can’t even answer mine!
Now, that doesn’t seem fair.
Is it really a conversation if only one side asks the questions?
Come now… 
And listen close to all the answers you didn’t want to hear:

I was not put on the earth to smile for you.
I am not your puppet, nor your doll.
I don’t want your hands on me.
I have no shame and much less left for you.
Don’t use the illness of your head to imprison me
I will not be a hostage, a prisoner to your will.
Don’t tell me I was the best you’ve ever had,
It’s obvious I was, but I was the one smart enough
To escape the hopeless situation I was in. 
There will be nothing calm about my talk
When the pain in my calves I wish was cut in half.
Chalk it up to bad timing for my walk,
My legs balk at the thought of taking anymore steps,
But I would gladly do so in order to walk out of this
Converse-interrogation.

Anaesthetic 6: The Curse of Her Doppelgänger Sorrows.

She sees you everywhere she goes.
Every single part of life that she knows,
Deeply entangled in proof of your existence.

Your doubles haunt her, their very resemblance,
Even in a perfect stranger’s passing semblance,
Sends pangs of regret through to her stomach.

The engagement ring you both hand picked
Underneath the tree at a summer picnic;
The park’s memory inescapably tormenting.

You cannot stop her incessant remembering
Or ease her fears, for her body trembling
is the only response she has to her haunter.

So my dear Ex-spectre,
Do you really expect her
To simply move on so fast?

When she found out she wasn’t the last
And how much you lied about the past,
“How could she ever recover?” I ask…

When in the light she wants to bask,
but wears her heartbreak, an eternal mask,
To hide her grief, disappointment, and shame.

But who else is there for her to blame
When everything reminds her all the same?
“That’s just the curse of her doppelgänger sorrows.”

 


Photo by Kayla

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Promise 9: Exist

Desperation is not something I wear on my sleeve.
What I want is to truly be loved, not lost.
And I, having given you my few choice years
the very few that I have to give to another person,
Perhaps made a grave error in trusting myself.

My desparation is not one borne of a need to find just anyone;
It’s the fear of making a mistake and I feel you were my greatest,
But I will not pretend, not even for a minute, that what we had
or rather, what we worked towards was anything free from flaw.

I hate to feel that way towards someone
whom I’ve grown to love so dearly.
When someone who knows I exist
tries to treat me like something that does not,
It sickens me. I’m hopeless for getting so close
And offering things I can’t possibly give.
It gets to a tipping point where I want to get closer,
But I will end up hurting both of us.

But it is not time to say such things.
You had to have earned this sentiment,
As I once had to in order to earn the privilege of doing so.
I wished to learn more about you and I reserve the right
To be careful of you as you have the right to be careful of me,
but it can’t hurt to at least be kind now, isn’t that so?

If only…

I still went through with it that despite that fact.
And I gave a piece of my heart for you to do with as you please,
And though that piece could bend and waver,
and my heart was kept from harms way.
My solemn hope was that you would make my heart whole again

But that piece has never returned,
It remained with you,
Never to be seen again.

What kind of life would I lead if I just wanted
to stay in such a safe distance away from it all.
where no one truly knows anything about me

                                                no one can destroy me,
Where :                              no one can doubt me.
                                    no one can prove
                              non-existence,

I never wanted to hurt anyone and I never wanted to, but-
I never would have dreamed I would ever get this close,
that I would ever get so close to wanting to destroy it all.

 

Anaesthetic 5: Fishing for Platitudes

Tell me something new, anything really.
Tell me that I suck when it’s my fault,
I don’t want those good words when bad hits.
Just because nobody’s perfect doesn’t mean we can’t try.

“I’m really not okay,
and neither are you.”

Those kinds of answers will be met with a fake grin
I’m a bad liar, but I’m a far cry from pathological.
In truth, if I keep being lied to, I’ll never learn my lesson.
And all these things being said will drown out anything useful.
 
“You don’t want things to be awkward?
Sorry, but that’s what you asked for.”

You thought we had something, but that was never the truth.
And so, you make excuses about how it will never be;
When all I wanted was simplicity and all I get is duplicity
Because, clearly, a simple reason is too complicated to have,

“You never even bothered to learn about all the bad
and if I were anyone else, things could be much worse.”

If being called too nice is code for me not to care
And being stepped all over is how I move forward
Then fish in the sea are worthless without a boat
I guess I’m stuck up the Amazon without a prayer.

It sucks when I don’t learn anything new,
And I become complacent when I just want to know

All the things I suck at for my own betterment,

And yet,
People still think I’m fishing just for the fun of it.

 

Anaesthetic 4: Still Life

It’s really not fair.
A still life photograph just gets to be.
Nothing moves, and yet it gets to feel alive.
A great photo. One that lives beyond its scene,
But the photo of this sad woman is inert.
She has to keep her lethargic expression
Forever, an entire lifetime in the same place.
She festers in her unhappiness for all eternity.
I wonder if she had the capacity to feel content
With not having to ever be taunted by happiness;
Feelings that are so fleeting and so out of reach.
How lucky is she to not be tempted by such folly
I don’t get to move on.
The finality of still life was enviable.
The subjects were nudged, just so, into the right position.
Instead, I was stuck in an infinite loop, a living nightmare,
Like that moment of time was paused, rewound, and played,
Over and over; slides were shown until each cell deteriorates.
I can’t just forget about it.
It melts into the frames and that moment of time
Burns into my cheeks, the searing wetness of droplets,
The hot sorrowful stream flows from my eyes
Burns in more still than any photograph in my mind
And becomes more vivid and real than any memory.
 Acting as though nothing ever happened.
I can’t look you into the eyes as I once did.
I don’t get to feel the sudden rush of joy as I had before
And you were the thief that robbed that pleasure from me,
But where your eyes are, I don’t get to see a face any longer.
All I can see is everything that was, everything that used to be
My vision fades as I drift in and out of that time and place
As my mind constantly plays my heartbreak on repeat.
No closure.
I don’t want anything from you, ever,
What I truly want is to never want anymore.
What I never want is what I still have.
To have that moment erased forever
So I can go back to looking at faces like faces
and start thinking about the past as the past
and I can finally leave then back then.
I want to live now like it’s now
I want to breathe my breaths
and I want to cry my cries
and sob for the present
Then collapse inward
And avoid contact
With you
But…

Memory betrays
There’s never enough in frame
Life is not still life.

Thanks to Kayla for the awesome header photo!

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Semblance 9: Unconditional

I am crying, but the tears I shed are not my own.
My flesh cut open, but my blood is not bled.
The song I sing, its words I’ve never spoken
And yet the feeling evokes that of another’s anguish.

The weight I carry, is but baggage for two.
I apologize for mistakes that aren’t mine,
And all I can do is lend my eyes and ears.
I hope that is enough, I can only offer you time.

But to carry the burden of another can’t be sustained.
This I know, and I’m regretful that no more can be done.
Empathy, in its own capacity, is burdensome to its holder,
And the unconditional love will soon drive us apart.

I’ve always said it would never be too much.
I said in good faith that I would still remain.
Can one love too much? I fear the worst of it,
But too much love remains when all else fades.

I am different now, from sharing the pain between us.
I am strong. I face problems with the strength of two,
And although we are no longer dependent on each other,
I look forward to you seeing the woman that I’ve become.


I’ve been sitting on this poem for a while until I felt like it was time to close the books on the first series of poems. While it certainly isn’t my strongest work in the set, I thought it would be fitting that my subject would eventually grow and develop into a wonderful human being. A lot has happened, and I’ve learned so much, about myself and about my writing. I am certainly a lot happier and more fulfilled than before despite a lot of sadness and distress. But I can’t forget a lot of good has happened as well. And I hope to continue improving myself and learning. Thanks for sticking with me throughout. More on the way!

Shout out to all those who’ve helped me along the way

Kayla, Vi, Audra, Apro, Toom, Kaz, Brian, the rest of chat, and of course, my readers!

With love,
~Mari