It’s really not fair.
A still life photograph just gets to be.
Nothing moves, and yet it gets to feel alive.
A great photo. One that lives beyond its scene,
But the photo of this sad woman is inert.
She has to keep her lethargic expression
Forever, an entire lifetime in the same place.
She festers in her unhappiness for all eternity.
I wonder if she had the capacity to feel content
With not having to ever be taunted by happiness;
Feelings that are so fleeting and so out of reach.
How lucky is she to not be tempted by such folly
I don’t get to move on.
The finality of still life was enviable.
The subjects were nudged, just so, into the right position.
Instead, I was stuck in an infinite loop, a living nightmare,
Like that moment of time was paused, rewound, and played,
Over and over; slides were shown until each cell deteriorates.
I can’t just forget about it.
It melts into the frames and that moment of time
Burns into my cheeks, the searing wetness of droplets,
The hot sorrowful stream flows from my eyes
Burns in more still than any photograph in my mind
And becomes more vivid and real than any memory.
Acting as though nothing ever happened.
I can’t look you into the eyes as I once did.
I don’t get to feel the sudden rush of joy as I had before
And you were the thief that robbed that pleasure from me,
But where your eyes are, I don’t get to see a face any longer.
All I can see is everything that was, everything that used to be
My vision fades as I drift in and out of that time and place
As my mind constantly plays my heartbreak on repeat.
No closure.
I don’t want anything from you, ever,
What I truly want is to never want anymore.
What I never want is what I still have.
To have that moment erased forever
So I can go back to looking at faces like faces
and start thinking about the past as the past
and I can finally leave then back then.
I want to live now like it’s now
I want to breathe my breaths
and I want to cry my cries
and sob for the present
Then collapse inward
And avoid contact
With you
But…
Memory betrays
There’s never enough in frame
Life is not still life.
Thanks to Kayla for the awesome header photo!
twitch.tv/fttoasty
https://www.instagram.com/fttoasty/
https://twitter.com/FTToasty
Imari Finds words 