Unbespoken 1: Where do I belong?

If I do nothing, then I’m gonna disappear right?
So there’s nothing else left for me to do for me but fight.
All of my own battles, each and every one
An eternal struggle to overcome my own pain.
It feels unbearable, but I gotta bear it.
Because I don’t believe in sunk costs,
And I wanna believe that I got someone that cares
When it hurts I know, but I gotta keep moving.
It’s just that… staring at the ceiling right now
Just seems so much more appealing.

When it hits hard, I gotta remember,
I have everyone I know on earth
To tie me down before I go to heaven.
I wanna leave my thoughts that I did everything I could
About how hard I fought for how much I believe in them.
They know me well, they showed me their kindness,
That’s all I ever wanted to have in this storm of loneliness.

I never wanted this, but…
My mind is in a mist of my own doubt,
So get me out, I’m crying for a savior
When I think I got only one way out,
But if you think I’m gonna spell the end of my misery
Then you can forget about the dictionary.
Because I don’t need it to define
What it means for me to feel alive
For when I try to explain all this pain,
All the words I know fail to describe
All the feelings that lie underneath all the goodbyes
And I feign that I’m alright even though the tears remain
I claim to be the same as I ever was.

The truth is… my mind was always this way,
But I ain’t afraid of my devil
I’m more afraid that I’ll lose control
When I finally lose my mettle.
I’m trying to fend against my fate,
And try to dispose of this toxic cycle,
So I’ll be fiddling against my demons,
Gambling my way to Eden,
And I wager my soul on this paper
That I’m gonna come on top with a whole new tome,
This introspective poem is going to explain
That I’m gonna be able to go back home
Because if I do nothing, then I’ll disappear right?
So, that’s all the more reason for me to try and find the light.
I don’t want anyone to miss me while I’m gone
So it won’t be long before I get back to where I belong.

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Promise 6: Edge

Encompassed from zenith to horizon,
From Edge to Edge of my periphery,
The splendid memory of you and me
Like the Edge of a cliff facing an ocean.

Your voice, soothing and endearing,
Swishing, lightly whistling, and hush.
Like a gentle nudge, the wind to push
A warm breeze that tickles my hearing.

So picturesque, as if taken from my past.
I swear I’ve seen light before it turns dark .
A reminder of how much I want to disembark
Beyond a view I never thought would last.

A misstep here means an end to a memory kept.
Waves crash, spurn stone in the perilous shallows.
I watch safely from a distance the danger below,
But here I am, at the Edge, anticipating my steps.

Since I’m not certain, I maintain my foothold.
Should my memory and reality stay distinct?
and in my good sense, perhaps my instincts
wish to carefully tread along that threshold.

I wish to take the next step, but everything I fear,
In some delusion or misunderstanding, I fathom,
That if my demise awaits me there at the bottom
I’ll stoically plummet to my death and disappear.

But since I’m not sure, and completely uncertain
I don’t wish to fall over the cliff side and dive off
If the sea wasn’t willing to break my fall that day.
That cliff would stay there as we last left it, then
And etched into my memory as the ocean sloughs;
Erosion weathers rock, sediment, and sand away.
But I will remain unchanged for when you pledge
That you will wait for me when I fall over the Edge.