Unbespoken 2: Why do I miss trust?

I leave you alone for five minutes.
Look at all the shit you’ve done
Almost went and destroyed all of the hard work
Look at all the havoc you’ve brung
All the things you say about us.
You can’t even separate it from reality
It’s never as bad as it seems
But you just make it so much worse than it oughta be
That shit in your mind?
That you keep locked up?
But those remarks is gonna haunt you
The longer you’re zipped up, it’s fucked up
And as soon as it’s all that you can take
Our mind’s gonna break.
Harder than your fist against that hole in the wall
A hole in your soul and you think you gonna fill it all
Telling no one about the anger, frustration, and disappointment
I’m appalled.
That you can even think you’re even a functional person at all
If loneliness is just a payment, then the debt’s paid in full
The longer you think we’re normal’s gonna take it’s toll.
You’ve never had a good thought not followed by a premonition
It’s almost as if these invasive thoughts are your religion
You worship them, searching for the answers, your salvation
You never listen to anyone else but them,
Listening to no false witness
I always take care of business,
but the pain is too much with this
I can’t even think straight.
Stumbling like I’m drunk, sipping on depression
I still get lost in the information.
Overwhelmed in an idea infestation
Manifest mutation
Problematic proclamation
Destitute destination
Interrogatory instigation
Just praying if there’s any hope for any reconciliation
Finally at my worst, I stare at the mirror in desparation,
I ask.

…

Is all I hear, could it be more clear?
Seven years bad luck ain’t no price paid over blood and tears
The glass shatters, unable to still or steer
My inner mechanism’s continuously grinding gears,

My illusory phantasm reappears,
A solemn reminder for when it gets severe.
A living nightmare, that I’m holding dear,
Burns and sears in my flooding fears,

I desperately want to persevere,
And I’m being sincere,
But in trying to interfere,
I just end up choking myself
In my own atmosphere,
Until there’s nothing left of me;

I disappear.

The silence echoes far beyond my ears
And now nobody else can hear.

…

Why do I gotta be like this? My mind goes to the worst
Sure I’ve been hurt before, this ain’t the first
But If I can’t trust anyone, then why bother
Trying to convince my mind to try another
Getting close is gonna painful for me
It’s getting to be too much for an old disdainful me
It ain’t because they do anything to make me distrust them
It’s because of my predilection towards mistrust, I misjudge them
I’ve mistrusted this trust, I’ve missed trusting this trust
I’ve been too unjust, I’ve always too cautious
And I’m afraid it’s gonna hurt you that I’m so untrusting
But I wanna give you a chance, I’m adjusting
I wanna believe you’re the one I’m entrusting
You with a piece of my mind, just a piece, so you know
That it goes a long way for me to even begin to show
My side that just wants to be careful of you
As you should be, but at least this side is true
You’ll never see this side of me do
Anything dishonest or anything to hurt you

Unbespoken 1: Where do I belong?

If I do nothing, then I’m gonna disappear right?
So there’s nothing else left for me to do for me but fight.
All of my own battles, each and every one
An eternal struggle to overcome my own pain.
It feels unbearable, but I gotta bear it.
Because I don’t believe in sunk costs,
And I wanna believe that I got someone that cares
When it hurts I know, but I gotta keep moving.
It’s just that… staring at the ceiling right now
Just seems so much more appealing.

When it hits hard, I gotta remember,
I have everyone I know on earth
To tie me down before I go to heaven.
I wanna leave my thoughts that I did everything I could
About how hard I fought for how much I believe in them.
They know me well, they showed me their kindness,
That’s all I ever wanted to have in this storm of loneliness.

I never wanted this, but…
My mind is in a mist of my own doubt,
So get me out, I’m crying for a savior
When I think I got only one way out,
But if you think I’m gonna spell the end of my misery
Then you can forget about the dictionary.
Because I don’t need it to define
What it means for me to feel alive
For when I try to explain all this pain,
All the words I know fail to describe
All the feelings that lie underneath all the goodbyes
And I feign that I’m alright even though the tears remain
I claim to be the same as I ever was.

The truth is… my mind was always this way,
But I ain’t afraid of my devil
I’m more afraid that I’ll lose control
When I finally lose my mettle.
I’m trying to fend against my fate,
And try to dispose of this toxic cycle,
So I’ll be fiddling against my demons,
Gambling my way to Eden,
And I wager my soul on this paper
That I’m gonna come on top with a whole new tome,
This introspective poem is going to explain
That I’m gonna be able to go back home
Because if I do nothing, then I’ll disappear right?
So, that’s all the more reason for me to try and find the light.
I don’t want anyone to miss me while I’m gone
So it won’t be long before I get back to where I belong.

Anaesthetic 12: Undelivered Love Letter

Dear love, -the words I write cannot pen your significance to me.

My thoughts are incomprehensible to describe your inner beauty.

And so my every thought of you I’ve attempted to compile,

In this letter, is my failure to express anything worthwhile.

When I look at your face, oh where do I begin?

Just the thought of your smile and wide grin,

Brings my belly butterflies beating their beautiful span,

Floating petal to petal, eight in total, again and again.

Your strong hands I held that revealed a ragged love past,

Hand in hand, working towards making this modest love last.

Offering each other simplicity was all I could ever ask for,

And a soul to talk to at night when stranded in a downpour.

Looking longingly at the moon, I wondered my little game.

If the mysterious moonlit sky for you and I was the same.

And when the sun shines through the fog in the hazy dawn,

You wanted to ask me to brave the fog on your front lawn.

Oh how I wanted to be there arm in arm in the early morning

And wander aimlessly without any direction, without caring.

How happy we were, it seemed to go on without end,

I thought I had truly found love, and my greatest friend.

With love… 

The list we made of all the things we wanted to do together

Will likely remain a memory in this little letter forever, however.

If you had just left me to wonder, would I still be the same?

Would my mess of a life be nearly as messy if you never came?

The only way we realize our own loneliness

Is to have it in stark contrast with its antithesis

Staying locked away hours writing the words I write

Waxing reflexive on this page all day and all night

I think it is finally time to end what I held so dear

So I can finally vanquish the very thing that I fear

But now in the present I can finally thank you so much

For what have I learned since we’ve last touched:

I thought I wanted my heart ripped out,

torn to shreds, bled red in my death bed.

What need was there for it after all this?

The fear of being the only one able to hurt you,

was the same fear of you wounding me grievously,

And yet I feel completely deserving of that pain.

I thought I would rather the blow be dealt swiftly,

Lest my heart be able to love again.

It would be better than the cold bitterness I felt thusly,

It once was a dull and pulsating pain,

An aching anxiety that never once could leave me.

The fear of losing you was the only thing that mattered.

Hopeless, helpless, useless: How futile they are

in describing this despair of my loss.

But my true loss wasn’t the loss of you

It was the missed opportunity to change someone’s life.

My true despair I fear is that strange feeling.

So rid me of your memory, for my mind was rushing

with the regret I’ve carried since we last spoke.

I was helpless to help ease our doubts about us,

Useless to sate your needs, appease your anger,

and worst of all, hopeless to ease your sorrows.

It left me feeling unable to be a person again,

when you left me in my misery, in silence.

So I ask you, without you, would I be off better:

With love, or without this undelivered love letter?

Anaesthetic 11: Butterflies

Oh the butterflies, they’ve never left.
That fleeting feeling of their flight
Felt in my every fluttery breath.
You do still feel it, right?
With our thoughts alight,
Wondering if it was worth it to write
All those things I said to you that night.
Tell me, can you hear my heart’s plight?

My heart is still rapidly beating,
To the rhythm of their wing flaps.
When I was dreaming of our meeting,
I wanted your heart, too, to race laps.
If I were able to say what was on my mind,
I would make you the most flattered person on earth.
Not a better love you could find than mine,
No other love could even begin to compare their worth.

But how does our love compare to a butterfly?
Whose wings are as delicate and fragile since it began,
That which is just as doomed to die,
As long as the emperor’s average lifespan,
Or perhaps a monarch’s, but how could anyone plan
To cut short something so beautiful, so why try?

I try because I thought you would be worth the chance,
Because nothing was ever accomplished without trying,
But for the short time our love, along the petals, danced,
And I didn’t want to stay a pupa without the joy of flying.

Anaesthetic 10: Only Eight Petals

He loves me…

A picture of us under that tree that warm summer day

The smell of dewy leaves and shady earth.

What’s a love that’s faded before it’s come to saturation?

A photo that’s discarded before developing is proof that –

He loves me not?

That which wilts before it blossoms, the eight petals I pluck,

Silenced before the first whisper – the first utterance of love.

Surrounded by curious daisies that seem to sway back and forth

To the rhythm of our heartbeats, I remember it all too well,

Back then, he loves me!

I agonized over that precious gift I gave to you,

The meticulously selected locket of sterling silver,

But it was tarnished before it was even worn,

Seeing it collect dust, I could have sworn that-

He loves me not!

Burned before the initial ignition,

At the mercy of a hasty decision,

Sabotaged before anything was even planned.

It was almost as if you wanted it to end before we started.

 

How could I even think, – “He loves me?”

Excused before I was even accused of any of the worst

Like damage control, and I was some unintended casualty.

Can we truly break up without being together?

But could we be together without you truly broken up?

He loves me not…

How busy we both were when it was hard for us to meet,

Had nothing to do with your inability to love specifically me.

We talked about that woman you used to know.

You said she didn’t matter, but she clearly did,

And yet, – he loves me?

How your friends and family wouldn’t accept the way it was.

It’s awfully convenient how none of those reasons involve you.

Knowing that you couldn’t love me given the circumstances,

Why didn’t you just answer before there was even a question?

“He loves me not…”

Anaesthetic 9: By Far the Most Insulting

By far the most insulting thing, of course,
Is to abuse a friend in my presence.
And how can you in good conscience,
Say as such when it’s also a friend of yours?

You go to such lengths to make us miserable.
I’m appalled that you would even try,
When you could just as easily lie,
Without saying anything stupid at all!

How can you justify the damage you cause,
Adding layer after layer of insult without pause,
When the impact is so clearly visible,
And you try to pretend it’s not irremissible?

And what more will you bring down with your words?
The way they’re weaponized as merely a means to an end,
When you don’t even understand the meaning behind them.
And yet somehow, it’s an unintended consequence of yours.

The grimace of discomfort is not enough to let you know?
Or perhaps a more emphatic approach is necessary,
Even the most subtle insult would at most seem ordinary,
When you put little to no thought into the feelings you show.

Why do you say what you say?
For merely the sake of conversation?
Your words exit your mouth,
But not enough to exceed escape velocity.
The gravity of meaning causes them to come crashing down,
And yet you’re surprised by the size of the crater at the end of the collision…

Anaesthetic 7: Converse-Interrogation

If my life was as easy as a questionnaire, 
I wouldn’t be spending my time looking for the answers. 
Would it not be too simple being spoonfed these answers?
Now, if I were to simply give all my the answers away,
Then there’s no fun or challenge, right?
But sometimes I don’t even know what questions to ask myself.
So what makes you think I’ll have an answer to anything you say?
Who honestly wants to be interrogated?
Then, as soon as I give you an answer,
You instantly have an opinion on what I said.
Why must you challenge any of my answers?
You’re the one who asked!
Honestly, please let my answers lie. 
Because if it’s truth you’re looking for, 
Then I can’t be the only one putting thought into the conversation.
Lest you might somehow overthink what I say.
Why do I answer at all, what do you have to gain?
Here I am asking questions, when all you wanted was to learn, 
and I just wanted to be taken at face value some of the time, 
but I’m being constantly derided for answering the way I do. 
And if you wanted me to just shut up-

Fine, but think about this for a moment.
I answer these questions because you’re so curious,
But you can’t even answer mine!
Now, that doesn’t seem fair.
Is it really a conversation if only one side asks the questions?
Come now… 
And listen close to all the answers you didn’t want to hear:

I was not put on the earth to smile for you.
I am not your puppet, nor your doll.
I don’t want your hands on me.
I have no shame and much less left for you.
Don’t use the illness of your head to imprison me
I will not be a hostage, a prisoner to your will.
Don’t tell me I was the best you’ve ever had,
It’s obvious I was, but I was the one smart enough
To escape the hopeless situation I was in. 
There will be nothing calm about my talk
When the pain in my calves I wish was cut in half.
Chalk it up to bad timing for my walk,
My legs balk at the thought of taking anymore steps,
But I would gladly do so in order to walk out of this
Converse-interrogation.